Face it: the zombies will stomp you.

The first time I heard someone draw parallels between the bath salts thing and a zombie apocalypse, it was funny. It's not funny anymore, but it has revived the phenomenon that, fittingly, just won't die.

PSST! I have a secret for alla ya'll with super-tight zombie attack plans: you're fulla shit.

It's okay if you don't know how to handle life when the
power is out and your laptop battery is about to die.
Read this. You'll be fine.

When I say "stomp you" I'm talking decimate; obliterate; reduce to a sobbing pathetic pile before munchin' on your sweet flesh. That's if the actual scary-ass apocalypse survivors don't get to you first.

I've spent a pretty sizeable amount of time outside in the wilderness and I'm still pretty ignorant and inexperienced when it comes to long-term wilderness survival.

Still: I can identify useful and dangerous wild plants, build some basic snares and shelters, and perform first aid that is based on, like, actual first aid techniques rather than something I saw on a movie. I know ways to find water and prepare it for drinking if boiling or modern purification techniques are not available. I have a lightweight pack of essentials that goes with me on even the easiest day hikes.

The ones I speak of? They read a book that was written largely for comedy purposes and are now convinced that despite their privileged, cushy lifestyles, they all individually would be the Alpha Motherfucker because they know about that thing where you shoot zombies in the head.

They can formulate plans to reach the exit of a room based on their own hypothetical placement of zombie obstacles (zombstacles?). Their plan mirrors the plan of every other person who has ever seriously considered this issue, but they'll be fine. They'll just loot the pawn shop.

Us fuggo ladies are the most dangerous kind of lady.
photo: nerdylorrin.net

I can safely say that most of the people who I've heard talk at length about their superior zombie plans couldn't gut a small mammal, control serious bleeding without causing more injury, or find the safety on a gun in less than a couple of seconds. Let alone load it and proceed to defend themselves while running and assessing their environment. I could even say that most of them don't actually own a decent knife. Nor are they comfortable with things like, just as an example, shitting in the woods. But they'll totally kick ass at the zombie apocalypse. They'll fuck up all the zombies, for real.

I'm not dumb--I get that irony is one of the major factors behind this "zombie" bullshit, but it's about as funny as people whose humor consists entirely of quotes from comedy movies.

I'm not impressed and I don't find it funny--how bout let's all please stop using the zombie apocalypse to stroke our egos. Please. It's boring, unoriginal, and made up of silly self-aggrandizing lies. Can we, as a culture, officially move on? I feel like there are probably some new, more creative apocalyptic scenarios we could use to convince ourselves of our own badassery.